Chiswick & Co.

Congratulations on purchasing a pouch of Chiswick & Co. tea leaves, the world's finest tea. In enacting this procurement, you continue a tradition of excellence that has stood the test of time, with century upon century of experience poured into each and every cup. There is nothing quite like a cup of tea, and there is no tea quite like Chiswick & Co. - Chiswick & Co. the envy of our competitors, our competition the bane of their existence, and their existence meagre and meaningless under the self-evident predominance of our great and noble establishment. Read on.

Our Story

The Chiswick & Co. story begins in the late 17th Century with Bartholomew Chiswick, a young, roguish vair salesman from Durham. In 1671, while engaged in a rodent hunting expedition in Southern Siberia, the swashbuckling knave was beaten back into a river by a singularly aggressive onslaught of squirrels. When he came to, Bartholomew found himself in an altogether foreign land - a wild tea grove, not far from the island of Bombay.

Immediately, the dashing reprobate could see the global socio-political and financial potential of these bitter-tasting dwarf shrubs. Using the emptied intestines of his captured squirrels as pouches for the leaves (things have come a long way since then!), the resourceful picaroon boarded a ship bound for the motherland.

Through his numerous and well-documented sexual liaisons with several members of the English aristocracy, he was perfectly positioned to advance the popularity of his new wonder-plant. Soon, he was undertaking large sales of tea to England's most discerning clientele – and so the story has remained for over 300 years, with a Chiswick & Co. commemorative teapot adorning the trestle tables of all the finest tea salons in the land, and the world over.

Our Quality

There is no single secret to our creation of this, the superlative of all teas. It is a confluence of exceptional produce, superb workmanship, and a passion for excellence. Additionally, we possess a sacred Fijian talisman that brings us prosperity.

Our Exceptional Produce

Our plants grow in sombre isolation, on the terraced sides of a mist-enshrouded hill rising from the fertile earth of Darjeeling. Each is styled and pruned with the utmost attention to detail, with intravenous drips used during periods of low rainfall.

Our Superb Workmanship

Our leaves are handpicked by a unit of elite pickers. They are hand-shredded by experts, hand-selected for the task. Our handmade pouches are the handiwork of the finest handful of Bremen artisans.

We estimate that over seventy hands have made contact with your tea before you ingest it, each massaging manifold centuries of mastery into an unforgettable experience.

Our Passion For Excellence

Much has changed since the days of our impish founder, but our pursuit of excellence has remained a constant, and is an integral part of our respected tradition. We pride ourselves as purveyors of fine teas, and as London's premier teaery.

Our Sacred Fijian Prosperity Talisman

Placed on our "intangible assets" list due to its excessive distortion when summoned in a three-dimensional space, naturally the value of this asset is anything but intangible. The Talisman brings significant (but as yet unquantified) advantage to the bottom line of this firm.

Our Flavours

Below is a list of our most well known teas, each more exquisite than the last (they are ranked by exquisiteness):

Violet Moonglow

Bombay Wildflower

Portuguese Nightshade (discontinued)

Jaipur Petrichor

Twilight Mellifluence

Bengaluru Synaesthesia

Jasmine Bildungsroman

Full Harmonious Nectar Sunrise (sold in China only)

Ephemeral Siamese Eventide Mist

Our Diversity

Connoisseurs admire our rare and exquisite flavours. Laymen embrace our full-bodied and honest pots. Tasseographers praise our auspicious, symbolism-infused residues. There is much to love about our teas, and with custom ranging from the Far East to the Horn of Africa, from Greenwich to Greenland, there are millions around the world who do.

Our Ethos:

We maintain an uncompromising insistence on the quality and excellence of what we produce, and an absolute confidence in the unequalled distinction of Chiswick & Co. teas. In the words of Bartholomew himself: "The tee drynk is a most consummate elixyr for fine fettle; softe as sarcenet, robust as a vair's pate". Surely, truer words never were spoken.

You may now drink our tea.