12,000
volunteers.
2,000 litres of
washing detergent.
500 dustpans.
1 room more
filthy than sense.
Well, it’s that
time of the year again! In two weeks, on July 29th, we come once more to International Clean My Room Day. Now in its fifth year, the ‘Clean My
Room’ Initiative has taken off like never before; for one day, the world will
descend upon my room, for a bout of sanitation the likes of which haven’t been
seen since about this time last year.
And the need has
never been greater. In spite of last year’s meticulous efforts to leave my room
spotless, the intervening twelve months have seen my room become filthier than ever.
Now the only thing standing between it and utter disrepair is an army of
compassionate individuals who care about making my room a better place – and
that’s where you come in. So time for some Q&A!
How did all this begin?
I founded the
‘Clean My Room’ Initiative back in 2009, when my mum came into my room and told
me to use an initiative to get my room cleaned. I think that’s what she said – I
struggled to hear her over the squawks coming from my duvet, in which a small
family of guinea fowl had taken residence.
What does it take to become a volunteer?
At the heart of
this organisation is a passion for the cleanliness of my room. This is the ethos
that drives the initiative, that gives it life and vigour. I am looking for
serious individuals who can prove that they’re worth the salt-based drain
cleaning fluid they’ll be expected to use. That means commitment, and a no
nonsense attitude that says “I want to remove the plughole hair from your sink
with my bare hands!”
Exactly how dirty is this room?
It’s pretty
dirty. “Room” probably isn’t so accurate a term as “rotting menagerie
bunker”. The ceiling is slumping, the vermin are rampant and most of my
furniture is crusted over with a strangely textured mould. But don’t let that
put you off! You can do it! Many hands make light work! etc.
What will I be doing?
You will be
randomly assigned to one of several divisions, some profiles of which are
provided below:
It’s time to don
your Doc Martens and protective glasses (not provided), because you’re in
FUNGAL DIVISION! Put the fun back in fungus with group activities like “Amanita
beater”, “Spot that spore”, and “Pull back the flaking wallpaper whilst using a
rake to scrape away the mildew”. Scrubbing the soft plant life off my crockery
is often found to be surprisingly rewarding – just don’t forget to exhale
continuously.
Ring ring,
you’ve been selected for the ELECTRICAL CABLES DIVISION! Ever since those
termites ate through the fuse box, my electrical appliances have been putting
up a sub-par performance. I don’t want “experienced”, I don’t even want
“qualified” – I just want a gutsy effort from someone to get their hands in there
and get those wires back to doing their thing!
Paw prints on
the carpet, dead springbok in the corner – could there be a savage wild beast
in the room? Uh oh! It’s ANIMAL CONTROL DIVISION! I’m pretty lax about the
creatures I welcome into my room, but if you’re going to roost chez moi, there
are some basic ground rules – no hooves in the butter, and definitely no shedding
of skin in the eggnog. It’ll be your job to discipline these cuddly offenders!
Bring a knife.
What will you be doing?
I will be
watching Game of Thrones while eating pizza in the corner. If I am required to
lift the laptop for vacuuming let me know, but please do not touch my pizza.
What do past volunteers say about it?
“This is now my
fourth year taking part in the initiative, and it’s definitely growing on me!
That is to say, the fungus with which most of the room is covered is now
growing on me.” – James from Singapore
“It’s the smell
that gets you first, and it’s like, whoa, did something crawl in there and die?
And then you find this load of dead animals.” Rebecca from Minnesota, US
What’s in it for me?
Enough with the
questions. There are some things I don’t know. I don’t know what that liquid is
that sometimes seeps up ankle-deep through the carpet. I don’t know whether the
silicate minerals in the walls are safe. But there’s one thing I do know for
damn sure – the muskrats are back, and this time, they’re rabid.
So book your
flights, bring your friends, and together, you will clean my room!
